18th April 2012
I walked home with Ben today. It was a pretty long way so i’m really thankful he did it. And it was nice. We talked a lot about me and Adam and he gave me some advice from a frigid lad’s perspective, and then fuck loads of random shit and when we got to mine he stopped in for a cuppa and he mentioned something that he didnt feel comfortable saying so I let it go. Later we were texting and I asked him what it was and it turns out Claire’s ex boyfriend told Mike she cuts herself and Mike tells anybody, and Ben asked me why she does it and I said it’s very difficult to understand unless you do it so I wouldn’t bother explaining and he said ‘Fair enough, you don’t do it do you?’ and I didnt want to lie so I just said ‘So do about 75% of the school’ and a few texts later he said something like he would rather I do it to him not myself which was rather silly but cute I guess and I said “Thats not really the point, I do it out of hatred for myself not some weird fettish” and he told me not to hate myself because there’s no reason so I told him I knew he wouldnt understand and not to worry and he promised not to tell anyone and then we went on to talk about Neopets.
I’m not even close to Ben and after a couple of days of seeing a lot of eachother he became the first guy I told about my self harm. In four years, I never told boyfriend, brother, Dad or anyone, but I told Ben. Claire’s going to mock us about our ‘relationship’ until the world ends, and considering Adam thinks Ben STILL fancies me it’s going to drive him crazy and I feel bad but Adam could barely deal with it when I made the odd groan about hating the world, how am I supposed to tell him something like this? And we’re just going to break up anyway, I don’t know what he’ll become if it ends nastily and unlike Claire, I actually care about keeping my private life private. Hdkenxi oh well, i’ll just wait and see I guess.
Was supposed to see my counsellor either today or tomorrow. I havent heard anything so I guess not. I suppose it’s okay, she wouldn’t help me anyway, i’m still a miserable twat no matter what.