My online diary. Lol.

Asdfghjkl I let Jane photocopy one of my doodles (the ‘dont be a casualty of someone elses war’ one) and yesterday she told me that she showed it to a girl in a lower year and the girl was almost in tears because it meant so much to her and she asked if she could have a copy as a reminder and that I was really good at drawing and they were both just talking about how far i’ve come and how amazing I am or whatever but ahh i’m so thrilled that it could mean something to someone! When I draw them they feel so personal to me, they’re like all the thoughts and feelings I can’t put into words, I never thought they would mean so much to put on someone elses wall! And Jane is having it blown up to be like an actual poster size to put on her wall and she asked if I did any more positive ones that might help other kids in positions that i’ve been in, would I bring them in for her? Ah I just can’t, i’m so happy!
So it turns out I actually really like school when very few people are there. Yesterday I went in first thing with Effie and just sat down in a study room and started working. Other people did come in but it wasn’t that bad. I went for a lesson with my english and history teachers which was brilliant (I saw Jane in between) and then Imogen and I went to cafe nero and I walked home and it was actually a really good day, for school. Yeah I love study leave.
Asdfgh and then I went to gymnastics again in the evening and I was really worried I wouldn’t be able to do it because of the whole destroyed running legs thing but I guess because EVERYTHING in that room is padded and bouncy it wasn’t that bad. I love it so much. I was accidentally put in the more advanced group which was hilarious because second ever lesson, but everyone is so lovely and when I switched back it was much nicer and I love the beam and I can barely even do handstands but I actually love love love this class! Oh and on Monday I got my foot on my head in the silks class, I might post a photo because eeee flexibility!

I wore a bikini today! I’ll get to that story in a minute but ah big moment.
So today was the biology exam and my pulse was just beyond high and I was freaking out but now i’m thinking that I cant have done that badly and yeah. After the exam I went to the gym with Imogen because she had a lot to tell me and I figured the gym would be perfect after an exam because I need to exercise my anger out and running has destroyed my legs so exercise at home is pretty dodge for now. It was a good workout and I drowned in sweat in public which is scary.
Then we went to the hot tub and it was terrifying but also fantastic because I havent been in water like that for years because i’ve always been too worried my scars will show. But now I have this wide bottom bikini which just covers it and Imogen already knows anyway and, fuck it, I dont really mind the idea of people seeing my scars now. I don’t cut any more and so many people do it that it’s hardly a shock. Obviously i’m not going to display them but i’m not going to hold back from bikini time for them! It also sucked because i’m fat now and Imogen is the tiniest thing I have ever seen, but whatever it was only the two of us. So yeah, that’s super exciting!
I’m still pissed with Cole. I wonder if she’s even noticed.

The drama exam went fantastically. It was a really emotional day, all the panic in the morning and everything easing over the day and our class went for a meal in the evening. It was good.
Cole’s group performed last. Their play was called ‘Hard to swallow’ and it was about a girl with anorexia. It was actually horrible watching it in a room with so many other people because at the end of it I was crying a little bit and then I went up to hug Cole and I started crying a lot and everyone was laughing and some were crying with me and it was really embarrassing to be honest. It felt like something that should have been private and personal, not a gcse piece! Obviously the story was about 1000x more extreme than mine but I just kept recognising so much of it in what I was, and what I could have been, and what I could still be. It was pretty triggering actually. I know I should see it and thank god I never got too bad, but I can’t help wanting to go back to how I was and do it better. Again. And I know this is stupid but I (want to) believe that I can have a starvation diet and still be mentally stable. I mean I could remain in this positive place that i’ve found in my head but still just eat to avoid conflict and maybe purge a little bit and exercise religiously. I swear I looked better when I was using behaviours. I had much better body proportions and I know my face looks so much healthier and prettier and blah blah blah now but I reckon that’s because of the vitamin supplements I needed, not an increased intake. I don’t know. This is probably just a triggered evening and i’ll go back to my fatty recovering self tomorrow, but I just thought i’d vent it out anyway.

My therapist told me not to be ‘a casualty of someone else’s war’. A lot of the time people lash out at others as an outlet for their own pain and too often I take it straight to heart and believe that it’s true, when really I should know that it’s not my problem and let it go. Yup.

It really drives me mad when people look at me and say “I wish I was naturally skinny”. It completely destroys everything I do for my body. Maybe i’ve never been overweight but I work hard to get a nice shape(or as nice as I can), I don’t just go for a jog once every week or two, I WORK out. I eat more, I gain weight, just like everybody else! The difference is I get off my ass enough to stop it going too far, and I don’t blame someone else for making me fat! I mean for fuck sake, I have TRAINED my strength to be better than the average girls my age, it’s not like i’ve always been able to do the stuff I can do now! And I know I very rarely defend myself when someone insults me but, for once, I deserve more credit than this!
Now that rant is over, i’ve been talking to a friend from junior school today. She found me on facebook and we were chatting all morning, and it was pretty weird. We used to be SO close and we went to different schools and never saw eachother again, and yet today we shared some really deep things and just yeah. I realise that that doesn’t make much sense and seems super irrelevant but idk I wanted to remember that I was talking to Beth today.

I talked to Cole today. It would be AFTER the months of agonising when I finally make a move to get over it that I get an explanation! I texted her about some unimportant work thing expecting her not to reply but she did and we were chatting for ages and I told her about how i’m trying to be more positive and basically change my human nature and then she asked me to explain, what was I changing, and I think it’s because I said (amongst other things) that I wanted to be ‘less dependent on people… all the things that will make me less sad when I become them’ and then she said how she was really proud of me and blah blah blah, and ‘sorry i’ve been quite cut off lately, i’ve just been finding it hard to be around friends when I hate myself this much’ and after I responded she said how she only felt safe around her brother and her boyfriend because she knew they wouldnt judge her or hate her for being fat. I told her she was an idiot and I must have done something awful if she believes I would EVER think of her like that etc. But yeah, mystery solved.
I’m actually kinda pissed off to be honest. I understand hating yourself and not wanting to be around people, but seriously?! I’ve been obsessing for MONTHS because I thought I had become this horrible person and it was MY fault that some of my most important friends hated me. And she KNEW that, she KNEW it was bothering me, hell she even USED it to upset me! (The phrases, ‘this is why Ryan hates you’ and ‘this is why I never want to be around you’ spring to mind. During petty, JOKEY arguments which somehow escalated to the point where we were both just tearing eachother apart) And now she comes back to tell me that i’ve been feeling completely alone because she didn’t feel SAFE with me?! Let’s talk about what’s wrong with that. I thought I was her best friend, since we first started at this fucking school that we leave in a few weeks. She doesn’t trust me, and yet her boyfriend who previously used her and broke her heart gets total comfort?! How is that fair?! I must just be a really shit friend for that to happen, surely?! And even if she didn’t want to drag herself out of bed to see plain old me, she couldn’t even text me! I genuinely believed she had a problem with me, most of the time she didn’t reply to me, let alone maybe open a conversation of her own. Even just a, ‘Ite bro’. I don’t even need punctuation, just something to let me know it wasn’t me that was the problem!
This is ridiculous, I was so relieved earlier and now i’m having a full blown rant. I guess i’m just hurt. But that’s why when I speak to anyone else I don’t feel any of this. To anyone else I am just this positive person who loves when her friends acknowledge her existence but if they don’t she doesn’t destroy herself, she shrugs and does something else with her time. Like studying or exercising or enjoying the sunshine happiness with OTHER friends. (This personality reprogramming is REALLY hard)

I’ve decided to be happy. I mean obviously it’s not something I can just decide, but I hate who I am and sitting here hating everything doesn’t make anything better. And as long as I can’t escape it, I need to try harder to make it better. Therapy isn’t the miracle cure it once was so I have to take more responsibility for myself. I have to stop wallowing and waiting for someone else to fix it for me and I just need to move the fuck on.
CAMHS sucked again today. I can tell Lynne is getting tired with me. She thinks i’m wasting her time and being attention seeking, I know it. And maybe she’s right. I am being beyond pathetic, i’m not physically doing anything to myself any more so i’m really just like everyone else, except they don’t make such a big deal out of feeling shit. It’s not like I mean to do it, I just do. What can I say, i’m a drama queen! But now it’s time to stop wondering why my friends hate me and just become a better person. I’m going to force myself to not depend on other people all the time, stop complaining all the time, maintain the happy face ALL THE TIME. Because people like the happy face and I want people to like me. My friends actually wanted me around when I was always the happy face, people don’t care if you’re unhappy! What are they going to do about it?! Nothing, you’re just going to bring them down with you! And I don’t want to be that person, I want to be the one who motivates and who everyone wants to have around because they’re always cheerful and cheerfulness spreads.
Basically i’m going to force myself to change my personality because i’m sick of not being liked and not liking myself and next year i’m going to have a clean slate for meeting new people and I don’t want them to meet current me, I want them to meet ideal me. It’s not going to happen straight away, I know that, but if I pretend and practise then it will become natural and i’ll go back to being the strong person I was before all the therapy, only with unmarked skin and ordered eating, as it were.

Just after midnight, Gideon called me. I freaked out because the last time that happened he told me i’m a whore and he hopes I burn. I didn’t answer it but my heart was racing like mad and I couldn’t ignore it and they called again and tried to text me a couple of times so I sat up and started going through them. The texts were just ‘waassuuuupp’ trying to get me to respond. The first message was a few drunk boys who I don’t know very well telling me that Gideon has a crush on me and I should tell him that I love him so we can go back out and he can suck me off (I am quoting this, just in a way that makes a shred of sense) and that went on for a while and oh my god their alcohol tolerance seriously.

The second message was a few minutes later, actually from Gideon this time. He apologised for ‘that weird phone call, apparently some people cant hold their drink, but yeah sorry and nothing like that will ever happen to you again’. I took a lot of ‘relaxing essence’ and turned my phone off. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. WHY WAS HE NICE TO ME?! I UNDERSTAND WHY HE’S CIVILISED IN PERSON BUT HE CLEARLY DOESN’T CARE WHAT IS SAID OVER THE PHONE WHEN HE’S AT A PARTY SO WHY DID HE SAY SORRY SO NICELY?! He wasn’t hurtful at all which makes me think that he was being falsely nice to entertain his friends who were also winding me up and trying to get me to make a fool of myself. And he wasn’t drunk last night or the night with the horrible call so asdfghjkl I don’t understand.

But yeah I freaked out for quite a while, think I tried to get back to sleep just before 2am and woke up this morning feeling awful and shaky and panicky and I texted Cole last night asking if she was free at all soon because stuff is happening and I need her opinion but still no response, but Claire asked me if we are dancing tonight and I told her a little about it then and she was really good, she didn’t try to fix it, she just asked about it and reacted like the best friend should and promised to listen to the messages tonight and try to figure it out with me. 

I feel like I need to purge or cut or do SOMETHING but I just can’t, i’m just kind of sat here unable to stop panicking long enough to do anything other than think about it. But i’m not even thinking about it i’m just panicking!

Yesterday was BAD. At CAMHS mum told Lynne that I was super stressing and could we go back to weekly appointments for a while and maybe sort some medication, in a nutshell. Lynne said that any psychiatrist would be reluctant to give drugs that strong to young people without trying other things first and then mum left and it was a horrible, horrible session. I cried a lot. Then she got some paper and made me a list of calm things to do before bed and a revision timetable. I wasn’t really listening to a lot of it. She kept saying how we just needed to find ways for me to cope and I thought, well yeah I have those. They arent really ideal. Then Lynne brought mum back in to book next weeks appointment and SHE TOLD HER HOW I’M OBSESSING OVER THE WHOLE ‘CLEVER ONE’ ISSUE. It was completely unfair, like hello wasn’t there supposed to be confidentiality involved?! I was fuming, I still am, it’s just another reason why I don’t want to go back there! Really considering pretending to be absolutely fine so I don’t have to see her any more, like she used to be great but now something is different and I can’t be in her sessions, they just make me feel shit and they dont even help!
When we left mum and I went bra shopping because all this binge eating has made me obese and obesity comes with massive boobs, apparently. We got some ‘relaxing essence’ from the health shop and I got a few bras (32DD!) and a bag.
The relaxing essence thing is actually pretty good. I still felt panicky, but I was able to concentrate which made doing some work actually possible. Until I heard mum and dad talking about me in the next room. She relayed everything that happened today, I could practically HEAR their judgemental facial expressions! They think i’m pathetic, FUCKING HELL.
Effie’s friends came over for pre drinks. I avoided them but then I asked Effie how long they were going to be because I wanted a cup of tea and she and the parents forced me to go in there and make it and I thought I was going to die. They all pretty much ignored me for a while and then bitch skank zoe started saying she loved my jeans and my ass looked cute in them and she just kept talking and I could hear the sarcasm in her voice, they were all mocking me and sure they think they’re laughing with me but i’m not in on the joke. I left with the tea and went straight to my room and just cried and cried and cried for the billionth time this week. I sat there numbly holding my cold tea for a while and then I got my blades out. They were blunt, but it was something. A way to cope.
But yeah basically, Lynne thinks i’m pathetic (for the last few weeks i’ve been ‘acting like it’s the end of the world’),my parents think i’m pathetic, Effie and her friends think i’m pathetic. I think i’m pathetic.

I’m panicking. Really badly. My mood has been so sensitive today and it’s making me even worse than the grey twat i’ve been lately, I mean I may be getting better moods but they’re extreme, just like the other feelings. Like Effie was putting makeup on me for a shoot and I felt like if I moved even an inch I would shove her and start wildly hitting her and I know I do that all the time with her but idk today seemed worse.
I can’t even talk about what i’ve been doing with my life, went back to work at the caravan park this weekend and I was there way too much and then sunday afternoon was a big family meal which was nice and after that I played rummikub with Effie and George and his girlfriend Emily and that was really nice. Monday after work we went shopping which was hideous because Effie but also thank god she was there because now I have all these nice, different clothes that I would never have tried on without her.
Today I woke up at about half 7 and realised it’s a month and 6 days until drama and then all the other exams start and oh shit I have done no revision at all I dont know anything and I need to do really well because the family have decided that i’m the ‘brainy’ one and i’ll go further than them career wise which is fucking scary because if I don’t do that then what am I? Floyd is the muscles, George is the movie geek, Effie is the pretty one and i’m… Not even that smart. But anyway I decided to read more of The Fault In Our Stars so I could start reading my English books again, which turned out to be a huge mistake because I read the remaining half of the book in that one morning and cried floods of tears all the way through. That made me hungry so I ate breakfast and then I would crack on with Biology revision, but Effie kind of hijacked my day. It was horrible. I felt trapped in her room while she spent ages applying makeup that looked rough on me anyway, took about 10 photos, removed the makeup and then did it all again. For hours. I was suicidal, it was so horrible. By the time she let me go I was so upset I went straight to my room and cried and went for a run, and when I was done with that I had to get ready to go to cinema/wagamama with Imogen and Naomi which was fantastic but I got way too happy and when I got back that hyper feeling turned to panic and now here I am. Panicking about the same thing I was panicking about this morning and still didn’t even do ANY work for.