My online diary. Lol.

It has been a very long day. I tols my counsellor about the eating problems and the suicidal thoughts thing came up and she told my Mum. We were waiting for ages and I got Cole to come sit with me to calm me down and then she walked in and Jane had told her everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, and she hugged me and cried and apologised for not noticing and I apologised for being this way in the first place and she told me to never apologise because it’s no one’s fault and we didn’t really say much and Jane suggested that we go out and talk things over and I could go back to school after if I wanted so we did and the ride was awkward but we got home and she made me some soup because I thought I could eat that without purging and we talked a bit about postponing exams but I said I didn’t want to and then she suggested we should go see a doctor and I really didn’t want to but I was so relieved by how good she was being, I didn’t want to be difficult. I went back to school for the last two periods and Claire came over for ballet as normal, and then me and Mum went for an appointment at five and it was horrible because I had to talk about myself and he kept asking why I do this and I didn’t have a clue and then I had to show him my scars and then we talked about the food thing and he weighed me which was horrible and said that he wanted to see me a second time before he referred me to anyone but he basically told me there was nothing he could do and I just have to man up and stop thinking like a twat. And he asked me to give my blades to mum and use hair grips because it has the same kind of effect but prevents scarring and when we left mum said she wouldn’t take my blades away because she saw how upset I was at the thought but made me promise to try the clip thing and I did and it’s true, they are quite good, so we got home and I cried some more because it was horrible and I don’t want to see him again and I don’t want to see anyone and I wish i’d never told my stupid counsellor because nothing else can be done to help anyway so it’s just a massive fuss for no benefit, and I went downstairs and told her I didnt want to go back and cried a lot and she ended up comprimising that she would try and get him to do a referral or something without having to go back to see him, which is better I guess, but I still have to get proper help. So crawled back upstairs and curled into a ball on my floor and cried for about an hour and then my dad came up and hugged me and promised he’d get me help and asked me to come and have some dinner but I said I wanted to shower first (actually I think my words were ‘*sniffle* i’m shower *voice break sniffle*’) and I did and I cried a lot there too and eventually I stopped crying and went down for dinner and had a whole wrap without vomitting (though I didn’t let myself go near the bathroom until I was sure I was settled) and watched tv for a bit and Cole texted me and I cried some more and then Mum came to say goodnight while I was washing my face and gave me special treatment which brought more tears and now here I am, shocked by how much I can cry in one day and how much it stings to cry that much. And i’m probably going to keep crying all night. I hope I can pull myself together by tomorrow.

Actually came out of my counselling session smiling today, which is new. I wasn’t feeling that bad when I walked in so it was a bit less depressing than usual and we talked about me needing distractions to feel better and maybe I should get a job which would also get me away from Effie and I said how I quite fancy dog walking or something and she was really encouraging and now I hope I do get something because I like walking and I like money and I don’t know, it’s something productive to do at least.

Not much else to say. My life is so interesting.

I did get to see my counsellor today. It was awkward; I didnt know we had one planned so they had to pull me out of my spanish class and everyone stared at me and it was just SO awkward, and then I had to go out at break after i’d been crying and not draw attention to myself and bluagh. I don’t know, it was probably worth it. We talked about the holiday and tried to figure out why I was able to not cut, other than physically being unable to(?), and she asked me if i’m eating and I said yes because technically I am, just not very often, and she raised her eyebrows and reminded me to be honest and I nodded and she asked me if I was making myself sick and I nodded. I don’t like the way she assumed I was lying about eating, I may not have a healthy relationship with food but no one does, what makes her so sure that i’m starving myself? That’s just an unfair accusation and I kind of feel like she’s bunching all teenagers together as anorexic cutters when clearly it’s not always the case. Anyway she kept asking me what I could do to take a little stress off and I was thinking um suicide, but I just said I don’t know and she wont give me any answers which is incredibly annoying and doesn’t help me feel any less stuck like this, and really it’s a stupid question anyway because if I knew how to help myself then I wouldn’t need to go see her, and that infact is the reason that I DO see her. But other than that it was a good (as good as sitting in a room and crying for 45minutes goes) session.

Claire came over after school. Not much to say other than she told me I don’t exercise enough which I took to mean ‘Get some muscle, fatty’ so when she left I doubled my workout. I’m going to aim to do the mainly cardio part daily and mainly muscle building every other day because everything tells me to have recovery days and I hope it’s enough, it’ll be ‘more exercise’ anyway. Thing is I increased my workouts loads already, there’s only so much more I can do and if it still doesn’t work I don’t know what i’ll do.

I walked home with Ben today. It was a pretty long way so i’m really thankful he did it. And it was nice. We talked a lot about me and Adam and he gave me some advice from a frigid lad’s perspective, and then fuck loads of random shit and when we got to mine he stopped in for a cuppa and he mentioned something that he didnt feel comfortable saying so I let it go. Later we were texting and I asked him what it was and it turns out Claire’s ex boyfriend told Mike she cuts herself and Mike tells anybody, and Ben asked me why she does it and I said it’s very difficult to understand unless you do it so I wouldn’t bother explaining and he said ‘Fair enough, you don’t do it do you?’ and I didnt want to lie so I just said ‘So do about 75% of the school’ and a few texts later he said something like he would rather I do it to him not myself which was rather silly but cute I guess and I said “Thats not really the point, I do it out of hatred for myself not some weird fettish” and he told me not to hate myself because there’s no reason so I told him I knew he wouldnt understand and not to worry and he promised not to tell anyone and then we went on to talk about Neopets.

I’m not even close to Ben and after a couple of days of seeing a lot of eachother he became the first guy I told about my self harm. In four years, I never told boyfriend, brother, Dad or anyone, but I told Ben. Claire’s going to mock us about our ‘relationship’ until the world ends, and considering Adam thinks Ben STILL fancies me it’s going to drive him crazy and I feel bad but Adam could barely deal with it when I made the odd groan about hating the world, how am I supposed to tell him something like this? And we’re just going to break up anyway, I don’t know what he’ll become if it ends nastily and unlike Claire, I actually care about keeping my private life private. Hdkenxi oh well, i’ll just wait and see I guess.

Was supposed to see my counsellor either today or tomorrow. I havent heard anything so I guess not. I suppose it’s okay, she wouldn’t help me anyway, i’m still a miserable twat no matter what.

Had my first counselling session today. It was weird. The woman is called Jane and she’s very loud and quite mad, one of her sons is gay and the other has anorexia and she talks about them a lot. She’s very nice, but she wont be able to help me. I’m going to keep seeing her, but I just dont think there’s anything she can do for me.

When I first got there she was playing cards, eating biscuits and chatting with two rather unattractive boys in the year above. Miss T knocked and they got up to leave and told Jane that there was a pretty blonde girl outside, who is supposedly me, so that’s nice. She introduced herself and got me to do the same, which was awkward because i’m not used to people who give a shit about the little things and I didnt know what to say. She then asked if I wanted to talk about ‘stuff’ but didnt have to, so I tried to introduce my self harm story but I hate talking about that stuff with real people so it was hard and she made me say cutting and self harm and not beat around the bush because apparently saying the actual words is the scariest part and it fucking was. We talked about a lot and it was awkward and uncomfortable and she said that she didnt have a short term cure for me but we can work on things so that I can think that yesterday sucked, but today will be better and it will.

Like I say, I don’t think she can help me very much but I dont want to give up because at least I can say i’m trying.

My psychology teacher caught up with me today. I told her about my self harm a week or two ago incase you didnt read that. I have an appointment with one of the school counsellors period six, miss T said she’d be there at the start if it made me feel more comfortable- I didn’t really know what was going to happen so I said yes. I’m scared. I don’t know why. What if I meet her and she doesn’t want to work with me? What if I don’t want to work with her? How fucking embarrassing is it going to be when I have to walk in late to my drama lesson while everyone’s sat there working and I have to do everything super speedy or they bitch about me and there’s a really awkward silence when I walk in and they were all just laughing at me? FUCK why am I so paranoid?!

Today was worse than yesterday. I was generally grumpier and more sad and then miss T talked to me and I got stressed and then double art we were doing MORE self portrait and Hazel is there with her ridiculously good EVERYTHING and I suck and I can’t even with life any more, I can’t can’t can’t just stop my existence-

Today I told my psychology teacher about my self harm. It was really scary and I still haven’t told Cole or Claire how bad i’ve been lately so I felt very alone, I would’ve liked to know that Cole was waiting for me just outside. Anyway, I panicked and cried a little bit but she was really lovely, she kept telling me how brave I was and she said she would try and get me a counsellor without having to tell my parents because I said that honestly I didnt think I was ready for that, and when she found out i’ve been doing it for four years she gave me a hug which was awkward because i’m not really a hug person unless it’s a cuddle and they generally feel very awkward for me. It probably wont be until after easter though.

I still feel wierd that this is all turning out so secretly. I talk to Claire a lot but she has some REALLY heavy stuff going on and all my problems seem kind of pathetic so I try and keep conversation focused on her. And I hardly ever leave Cole’s side but it just doesnt come up, not the suicide thoughts, not the talking to Samaritans, nothing. It’s wierd.

I’ve exchanged quite a few emails with the Samaritans now. It’s wierd, it’s like a really broken up counselling session, and we studied counselling in psychology recently so I keep noticing techniques and stuff. I think it might help though. It’s almost like writing this little diary thing only I get a response from it and i’m not being all deep thoughts like a complete dick, i’m just telling it how it is and, I dont know, it’s pretty good. I would recommend it, especially as I don’t like saying my problems out loud because I feel like a prat, it’s a really good system.

I told Claire i’ve been talking to them. She made me feel really lame- accidently ofcourse, it was just her initial reaction, once she got used to it she was brilliant agaib. But to be honest, she’s getting counselling which is practically the same thing, at least this way it’s free and no one has to know about me. And I know i’m wavering towards telling my mum, but if it can stop being a problem without involving her then even better! It feels really wierd that Claire currently knows more about whats going on with me than Cole. I mean, she doesnt know about the suicide thoughts and such, but still.

I dont want to bother Cole. We were in tutor this morning and she texted me asking if I had any bracelets (so the others didnt notice her asking) and I passed her a couple of hairbands and replied with “No problem :) Do you want to talk about it?” and she said “No it’s fine, just wanted to cover it a little bit” so I left her to it. I’m insanely worried, but if there was anything I could do she would come to me. I realise she never actually said it was cuts or anything, but I felt pretty safe in assuming. I wish I could help her, but she’s struggling and I of all people know how it helps. I just hope she doesnt get stuck in it.

Today was busy. I went to Claire’s in the morning and we talked for ages and she taught me some moves on her pole and we were both just in a sports bra and tiny tiny shorts and at first I was self conscious but it kind of eased off and I actually really enjoyed it. Then we ate chips and talked more and it was nice and reassuring because she’s so much more optimistic after her suicide attempt, and now she thinks she can get better and that makes me so SO happy. Then I walked to meet Adam and we spent a couple of hours just walking around making fools of ourselves. We climbed some trees, sang the Spice Girls to strangers, I made him do a catwalk which was VERY entertaining. It was nice. And he still hasnt kissed me and I feel so paranoid and repulsive and I HATE social stupidity. After he left I walked home which meant being alone, and that never ends well and i’m still down from that but I really can’t cut because it’s production til Sunday and I really can’t bleed on my costume so fuuuuck but yah. And mum mentioned the counselling so I had the opportunity to ask about it and she said she’d probably see the woman on Thursday so would ask her then.

Spoke to mum about counselling. She said she’s going to get in touch with a woman she knows who’s retiring and see if she’ll do me a few sessions because the guys opposite the health centre all have huge waiting lists. It was just as difficult as I thought it would be to try and let her know that i’m not okay without making her think that i’m not perfectly okay. I said something along the lines of ‘I’ve realised that I dont think like other people do and i’d probably be much happier if I did’. From that she got ‘feeling 98%’. Haha, I havent been ‘98%’ in at least four years, I havent even been ‘70%’ I don’t think. But yeah, that happened.

Going to the beach with Adam tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I do however predict that he’ll realise exactly what kind of freak I am and decide that he hates me and no amount of therapy will ever fix me and I should just kill myself before I waste anyone elses time.