My online diary. Lol.

I’m under my target weight!! Well, kind of. It was never really a target weight, it was just a round number that I said I would like to get to because I hated being on such an awkward number. And I WAS under it (only by half a pound) but this evening I didn’t purge and i’m worried, it was only clean foods so I thought I would try to keep this meal down and I managed for over an hour and then gave up but I couldn’t purge at that point anyway so it’s still in me and last time I didn’t purge a meal I woke up visibly fat and it was horrible. But there were no carbs tonight and I don’t feel that bloated, and I went to the gym so it can’t be that bad. I hope. Ugh when did this become so important to me? Anyway, as long as I haven’t gained fifty pounds by tomorrow, i’m dropping another five off my goal weight. It made me so happy when I saw that I was under; I want that again. I also haven’t cut in quite a while, i’ll work out exactly how long in a minute.

This weekend made me REALLY fat. It’s disgusting, I hope I never binge like that again.

Went to the gym after school and my brother did me a personal training session while mum was downstairs and he asked me about food. And I answered honestly, surprisingly. He was like “What do you have for breakfast?” and I was all “…nothing.” and he was all, “Okay, what about lunch?” and I was all “…nothing.” and he seemed really impressed that I don’t eat until dinner and I don’t pig out too much on ‘bad foods’ but if I want to build muscle I have to put something in the tank and would I try protein shakes for breakfast. I tried one of his after the session and it was nice but after a few gulps I thought I was going to vomit and he asked if that was the first thing i’d eaten today and then said how impressed he was by how much effort i’d put in considering. I had a small dinner and purged it all. I don’t know what this woman tomorrow is going to say about all this but, I don’t know, i’m just nervy.

Yesterday I realised that if i’m going to keep purging I have to do something to protect my teeth so I did some research and that’s probably a bad thing because although i’m ‘being careful’, i’m also basically saying fuck it, i’m not even going to try to stop.

Today I went bra shopping and mum had just had a gym/medical appointment thing and she was hungry so she took me to mcdonalds beforehand and I got a happy meal and left the chips but I still bloated like a bitch and mum asked me why I looked sad again and I said I was just tired and bloated and she was all “How can you be bloated, you’ve barely eaten anything!” I then stared at my swollen stomach and tried to choose which bras looked good when really it doesnt matter because anyone who saw me in them would immediately turn away in disgust. So that was fun.

I then went to Coles this evening, fully aware that we would binge out. We walked to and from town to get a portion of rice each and had it with a cider. I went upstairs and purged, Cole asked me about it but seemed like she’d accepted that it’s kinda what I do now. I then had another cider and fuck loads of cake, died under the influence of sugar, purged again(after making black humour jokes about it which was fun), drank lots of water and curled up on Cole’s bed in the dark with glow in the dark stars on her ceiling which are old school but really cool. I’m still bloated, it’s mostly water but it feels like junk food and fat and yuk, and I feel guilty for laughing about this awful habit and i’m worried i’m triggering Cole, but it was a really nice night and I needed it. We decided we’re going to fill a jar each with scraps of paper with cute things written on them like why we love eachother and how things are going to get better, and on the first day of summer we’re going to trade them and every morning we’ll pick out a piece of paper to make us feel better and hopefully make summer easier. I dont know it’s really cheesy but I like things like that.

Went for acupuncture today. It was MUCH better than the gp, but so far no banana. We talked and he stuck a few pins in me and prescribed some vile tasting herbal stuff.

So I ate quite a lot today. We go to nero at lunch every thursday for a milkshake, we had cookies in double psychology, I got an icecream on the way back from our appointment and purged when I got home, then had dinner and purged that too, then I had two oreos. I feel like an out of control pig and it’s horrible but I don’t feel that huge so I guess the purging paid off. I know i’m getting into such bad habits, I was generally pretty good so far this week and I dropped a pound and a half, i’m dreading seeing my weight tomorrow. I want to lose six pounds. And, you know, learn some self control.

I told Cole i’ve been purging again, she freaked out a bit. She also said she thinks i’m becoming dependant on exercise so I had to explain that it helps me feel better for a short while and until the exams are over, relieving stress is our main priority and if eating minimal amounts and exercising a lot helps then I should do it. It’s not like i’m literally starving, I mean for fuck sake she was with me all day for this pathetic binge, i’m hardly about to collapse am I?! And okay, i’m starting to accept that there is something wrong with me and food and i’m probably bordering on some lesser known type of ED or something but like Jane said, I just have to do what I can to get through the exams and figure this shit out when I have less to worry about. Blah blah blah.

Woke up crying at 3am because I dreamt that my family thought i’d gained weight and I had to sit there while they discussed how utterly useless I was and now I was fat they might as well just kill me, and so they did. It was horrible. Again. I’m really fucking sick of my subconscious being as fucked up as I am and I texted Cole this and when she read it in the morning she told me to tell someone because i’ve had the dreams for a really long time and there might be something someone can do. Mum’s going to take me to her acupuncturist and see what voodoo crap he can do on me, hopefully he can do something for the other shit, or ‘anxiety’ as my mum put it. Like that’s what she meant. I also have an appointment at the hospital after my exams and we’re waiting to hear from a private woman. I know I should feel something about all this, and I do feel scared and also kinda relieved that i’m not just sitting around waiting for something to happen any more, but I don’t *feel* it, if that makes any sense at all. I don’t know, i’m tired. Needless to say today is the least i’ve had to eat since that week when everyone found out. I still feel full and sick. I purged dinner but I dont feel like I got anything out. We’ll see how that goes, I guess.

Yesterday was fine. George was lovely and it was all fucking lovely so I don’t know why the fuck I still felt like such a miserable twat. Today Adam came over and, again, it was all really lovely and he seemed more able to stand being near me which is nice, and we were lying on my bed watching misfits when he noticed a graze on my arm, like I barely even scratched it, and freaked out a little bit. He tried to ask me what it was but he couldn’t words so it was easy to change the subject, it’s just a shame it was a bit of a mood killer. Just as I was finally making progress. And now i’m back to hysterically crying and wanting to vomit and die because everything is shitty and nothing will ever be simple and I have school tomorrow which is made worse because i’ve successfully done nothing productive this weekend and ugh can’t I just zone out until i’m old and all this shit is over with oh wait it never ends lol etc etc.

thatselenaanon asked: Whatever you feel right now, somebody else is feeling the same thing too. You’re never alone in facing your battles. You may be sad right now and think that you’re the only one that has ever felt this low. Believe me, there are plenty of others going through this exact same thing. Right now, things may be hard for you. Wait a little bit and in time you’ll see that things really do get better. You’re never alone. I’m always going to be here for you and so are many others. You’re loved for, cared

I know all that, and i’m still here arent I? I’m still waiting for things to get better, STILL, I just don’t think they will. I really appreciate how lovely and supportive everyone is, thank you, but this is clearly a waiting game and i’m sick of it. But then i’ve been sick of it for a long time and done nothing about it. Thankyou though.

Had my first exam of the season today. I’m sure I was never that nervous before! And i’m fairly confident in psychology, but I was a panicked mess, it was ridiculous. I couldn’t control my breathing and I retched over a gulp of water, it was awful and I really didn’t appreciate it.

Going to visit my brother at uni tomorrow. It’s his birthday so the parents, Floyd and I are taking him a cake and having lunch and me and mum will go shopping while the boys do boy things, it should be alright. It’s a long drive so mum’s going to help me with science and revision and stuff in the car. Well, okay, i’m dreading it a little bit, but it’ll be fine. Speaking of, I got home and mum had left “Shit happens so get over it” (a book of ‘inspirational’ quotes) on my bed with a post it note saying ‘never forget you are loved and cherished beyond measure’. It was absolutely adorable, but that’s really not the point. I KNOW I have these wonderful supportive people, and they keep telling me not to hide my feelings to make them feel better but if I stopped thinking about their feelings then there’s no way i’d still be alive. I want to explain this, but that would probably hurt their feelings and we’ve just established i’m trying not to do that and ugh fuck this i’m going to sleep.

I cried watching One Tree Hill tonight. I normally don’t because it’s a cheesy soap and i’m not a sucker for that crap, and you’ll probably have to have seen it but i’m going to try and explain. Basically, Dan Scott was dying and he said a long speech about why, years before, he shot his brother. He talked about how he always felt a pain in him and he blamed his brother, and his brother was there claiming the pain gets better and Dan knew he was lying and the voice inside his head was screaming that it doesn’t get better but maybe it would if he killed his brother. So he did, but it didn’t get better, it got worse. And throughout the whole speech I kept thinking how I knew exactly what he was talking about, only instead of murdering my brother, I did all these things to myself that just fucked me up even more. And I cried because I could relate, and I wish I couldn’t. And then at the end of the show, Dan dies, and his brother’s ghost or something shows him his family crying over him and finally forgiving him and he said “See, it does get better”, and I thought that that is a horrible message to send out because it told me that he lived through the pain for his whole life and only when he finally let go and died did the pain go away, and it’s sad because I feel like I can relate to that too, that maybe everyone can. I don’t know, this is all horribly cliche and gross but it’s just an example of how i’m feeling, and for future reference this is the last series of One Tree Hill and the episode is titled ‘Danny Boy’.

On a less cheesy note, today was difficult, I didn’t eat until we decided to go to the gym and I figured I should have a breakfast bar before I went, and dinner was fine after i’d exercised. I mean I still felt pretty guilty and horrible eating it, but idk it tasted nice and my muscles needed it. I’m now going to cut with my blade again because I don’t know what else to do and hope that tomorrow is easier.

begin-at-the-beginning asked: You just encompassed exactly how I feel with that post about not cutting for two weeks. I got to two weeks last week, and I'm at one week now and it's so hard. I can't really give you any encouragement; the only thing I can say is that i'm in what appears to be the same boat. I can't say for certain because I don't know what drove you to cut, but hey nice to have some solidarity.

Thankyou, I thought I wasn’t making any sense at all but it’s good to know i’m not completely weird! Good luck with recovery love :)